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gawf phunk

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Take That! I WIN!!! GAME OVER! [Aug. 10th, 2004|01:44 am]
gawf phunk
The Sean Said (7:22:15 PM): hey
The Sean Said (7:22:16 PM): no
The Sean Said (7:22:22 PM): I'm just cleaning out my car
The Sean Said (7:23:37 PM): brb
SoCoDrone (7:23:46 PM): k
The Sean Said (7:26:23 PM): whats shakin kiddo?

Auto response from SoCoDrone (7:26:23 PM): I've left my computer, but you may call me or leave me a message. I'm out looking at apts.

SoCoDrone (12:42:40 AM): crap, so I'm finally back
The Sean Said (12:42:54 AM): Lol
SoCoDrone (12:42:55 AM): I am kind of curious about something
The Sean Said (12:42:57 AM): Its cool
The Sean Said (12:43:00 AM): Shoot
SoCoDrone (12:43:27 AM): well, first, how was your day?
The Sean Said (12:43:33 AM): Ha
The Sean Said (12:43:38 AM): It was goo
The Sean Said (12:43:40 AM): D
The Sean Said (12:43:43 AM): Had the day off
SoCoDrone (12:44:44 AM): those are nice
The Sean Said (12:45:27 AM): Indeed
The Sean Said (12:45:38 AM): I'm playing cards with my friends
The Sean Said (12:46:14 AM): How was your day?
SoCoDrone (12:47:06 AM): the usual, driving all over
SoCoDrone (12:47:23 AM): I did nothing at work today, it was satisfying
SoCoDrone (12:48:21 AM): perhaps I'll talk to you when your not busy
The Sean Said (12:48:38 AM): No its cool
SoCoDrone (12:49:24 AM): something has been bothering me....I'm sure you already know what it is
The Sean Said (12:49:32 AM): Yeah
The Sean Said (12:49:35 AM): I do
SoCoDrone (12:49:59 AM): I feel like you have been avoiding it
The Sean Said (12:50:01 AM): And I don't have good enough of an explanation
The Sean Said (12:50:18 AM): I handled things badly
The Sean Said (12:50:23 AM): And I realize this
SoCoDrone (12:51:12 AM): I hope you also realize the IM thing is not the best way to go about things
SoCoDrone (12:51:20 AM): if that is what your trying to do
The Sean Said (12:53:17 AM): No
The Sean Said (12:53:21 AM): I know
The Sean Said (12:53:40 AM): I realize I've been complete cowardly and unfair
The Sean Said (1:02:06 AM): You still with me?
SoCoDrone (1:02:53 AM): yes
The Sean Said (1:03:27 AM): Ok
SoCoDrone (1:04:24 AM): I don't know what else to say at this point. Actually, I have a lot of things I want to say/ask, but.....
The Sean Said (1:07:11 AM): :-(
The Sean Said (1:07:31 AM): I don't have much to say about things
The Sean Said (1:07:37 AM): I know I was wrong
The Sean Said (1:07:51 AM): I apologize for what that's worth
SoCoDrone (1:09:02 AM): what is it that you want from me? Why after these few months did you decide to talk to me again?
SoCoDrone (1:09:23 AM): I'm quite confused
The Sean Said (1:10:14 AM): Um
SoCoDrone (1:10:18 AM): and actually a little disgusted that one of your text messages included something about me contacting you
The Sean Said (1:10:24 AM): I don't really want anything
The Sean Said (1:10:46 AM): Well then don't contact me
SoCoDrone (1:11:23 AM): I'm just wondering why you don't call me?
SoCoDrone (1:11:35 AM): if you'd like to hear from me as you say you do
The Sean Said (1:11:46 AM): Cause I'm not sure if you want to talk to me
SoCoDrone (1:12:55 AM): I obviously care and wouldn't have told you that it made me want to cry when I you said things weren't well for you
SoCoDrone (1:13:06 AM): and I have been responding to you
The Sean Said (1:13:26 AM): That doesn't mean you want to talk to me
SoCoDrone (1:14:03 AM): ok, so I wouldn't mind it
The Sean Said (1:14:12 AM): K
SoCoDrone (1:15:00 AM): so if you ever want to, you can, and I will do the same since you told me it was ok
The Sean Said (1:16:37 AM): :-)
The Sean Said (1:16:40 AM): Ok
SoCoDrone (1:18:09 AM): you haven't really answered my question
SoCoDrone (1:18:20 AM): why have you decided to talk to me now?
The Sean Said (1:19:02 AM): Um
The Sean Said (1:20:00 AM): Curiosity I guess, I wanted to know how you were, and I felt bad about how I handled things
SoCoDrone (1:21:09 AM): has your curiosity been satisfied?
The Sean Said (1:21:22 AM): I dunno
The Sean Said (1:21:51 AM): I don't really know anything about your current life.
SoCoDrone (1:22:37 AM): how interested are you, b/c you know, I can talk forever
The Sean Said (1:22:52 AM): Haha
SoCoDrone (1:22:58 AM): :-)
The Sean Said (1:23:00 AM): Well then save it for a phone call
The Sean Said (1:28:51 AM): I locked myself out of my car
SoCoDrone (1:29:07 AM): ha, I remember when I did that
SoCoDrone (1:29:35 AM): was it still running
SoCoDrone (1:29:38 AM): thats the worst
The Sean Said (1:34:05 AM): No
The Sean Said (1:34:10 AM): Its in a parking lot
SoCoDrone (1:34:58 AM): oh, you haven't gotten back in yet
The Sean Said (1:36:50 AM): Nope
The Sean Said (1:36:59 AM): We're working on it now
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(no subject) [Aug. 4th, 2004|01:20 am]
gawf phunk
[mood |rushedrushed]

I'll be brief b/c I have to go to sleep.

I have a crush on someone.
Nick still owes me money.
I'm getting fat, believe me I'm packing on the pounds.
Still depressed.
The drinking has calmed down a bit I think.
Moving out at the end of the month.
Lots of pressure on the job.
Doctor visit on thursday.

Once again, mainly....lots of pressure on the job and drastic unpleasant weight gain.

oh yes, and chris is no longer classified on jacobs level.
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update [Jul. 31st, 2004|06:18 pm]
gawf phunk
[mood |vomit]

If you haven't heard the word on the street for a few days, I'll fill you in. I went on my date and had a fantastic time, he is attractive for his age, educated, well mannered and is financialy stable. Everything you would think a girl would want. Well, actually, yes. BUT, I am not attracted to him, and if I don't have that then I'll never feel good. Perhaps I am reading into this too much. I mean it was only one date. But isn't that the point of dating? Figuring out what you like...well, I don't like olds. By olds I mean men over 30. Once again, I would like to state for the record, he is wonderful, just old.

So last night I was really pissed off b/c I was suppose to hang out with some ppl at the bar but things happened and I spent the night on my own. The last 3 weekends have been really awful, I mean vomit awful. I don't think I really care about going out anymore. I'll never meet anyone so whats the point. I'm so upset b/c I was having a fantastic week. I thought things were finally gonna start coming around again. Nope. I hate it when ppl promise you things and don't follow through. I know, I've probably done it. I'm sure everyone is a living contradiction, but I'll still complain as if I wasn't. I don't know about tonight. Who knows whats going on. Chris pissed me off the same way jacob did. And we, or at least most of us, know what happened between him and I. It would have been wrong but still forgivable if chris had been drunk and passed out or just really drunk. But no, he was fine. If he decided he didn't want to come to the bar or whatever, he should have called and told me so I wouldn't of been waiting, that would have been fine. But the fact that it was intentional is unexcusable. I just have a bad taste in my mouth over the entire night. Today has been bad. Nick still isn't going to pay what he owes me, b/c he doesn't have the money and doesn't know when he'll get it. I hate him if I haven't mentioned that a million times before.

I think my life makes me want to vomit.
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OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!!! [Jul. 26th, 2004|07:38 pm]
gawf phunk
[mood |distresseddistressed]

Oh wow, I think someone just asked me out on a date...*blush*. Yay for me! I didn't really answer though, the point is, I was asked. Someone took enough interest in me to want to go out with me. That feels pretty good after what happenned yesterday.

I'll start with the good part since I'm in good mood and the bad stuff is really bad, I think. This is not in order btw. I went to the walkmen concert, #1 great show, #2 saw some friends there (Shane & Wade), #3 went to 80s night at elysium, #4 more good music, #5 did not get drunk and had a good time at a bar/club!!! #6 met new ppl.

Bad stuff: (events are not in order, this is also over a few days) #1 nicholas tells me that he wishes one of the following one me: a disease that causes my death, a car accident where my head would crack open and result in my death, or suicide due to the fact that I am worthless and no one cares about me. #2 end up at a club where I don't want to be b/c (a) nicholas frequents the club and finds it difficult to act civil toward me (b) the music isn't progressive, they advertise an industrial night but play ebm/synthpop (c) the club is empty on a saturday #3 Chris does not tell me Jacob is tagging along #5 it just got worse, I'll stop there

I feel bad b/c I became really angry at everyone, no matter who they were. Things were/are falling apart and I don't know how to handle them. The main thing was that I've not found anyone. *sigh*
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void where prohibited [Jul. 25th, 2004|09:55 am]
gawf phunk
[mood |annoyedannoyed]
[music |ladytron]

last night was awful. just awful, so bad, I hated every moment. Oh god, I once again feel like puking just thinking about it. I don't even know if I want to go out ever again. I'm bad company for myself so, going solo is out....and apparently I'm bad company for everyone else as well. There you have it. If I started detailing the things that went wrong last night, you'd still be reading this till you were 90. Lets be serious though, in all honesty, we know why last night was so horrid. Its not b/c of jacob being there unexpectedly, or ending up at elysium where nick might possibly show up and yell at me for being alive, or the fact that I shopped for quite a large part of the day only to find I look disgusting in everything, or for some "strange" (not really so strange but obvious) reason why no one ever talks to me at the bar......these things are just covers for a big problem. The problem is that I can't stand being me, it pains me. Everyday I feel bad, and it is getting worse. Nothing is making me happy, and its getting more difficult to fake. Wow, what do I do?
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how disgusting is this? [Jul. 24th, 2004|01:23 pm]
gawf phunk
I'm so sick, I make myself sick.
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whew! [Jul. 20th, 2004|11:32 pm]
gawf phunk
[mood |draineddrained]

I don't know how long I was working on my room but I threw so much crap away. I got my school stuff taken care of...yay! Tommorrow is Wednesday, as everyone knows it, the hump day. Yay again! This week has been a notch above average thus far, just a notch though. With the exception of my almost $500 t-mobile bill again. Nothing makes me angrier.

Hmm...my sister has been back from Iran for a week now, I think. I should probably call her.

Oh yes, I've been getting back into my regular workout routine of 1.5 - 2 hrs everyday, and I love it. I really love working out. There, I said it.

Next order of business. I love fruit, yes. No papaya, mangos (I don't like the flesh getting stuck inbetween my teeth), peaches (I hate the way the fuzz feels in my mouth), coconut. I think I pretty much like all other fruits. Oh wait, I often green apples as well.

Wow, this is really all random.

So I've been feeling really lonely and down since Sunday. I'm just upset b/c there are a lot of things that I would like and can't get or don't know if I'll ever be able to get. Like everyone else, I am impatient. And of course, the frequent question of "why me, why now" and the ever popular "I don't understand" run through my head often enough.

*sigh, sigh, sigh, sigh, sigh*

I really want a dog.

oh boo hoo me.
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grossed out [Jul. 19th, 2004|12:52 am]
gawf phunk
this isn't intended to make sense to any of you so if it doesn't and it shouldn't then....well, i don't know, this was just a disclaimer

someday things will get better
things always get better
I hate this so much
I hate all of it
I wonder how many times they have seen me
I hate ACC
Will I ever finish it!!!
I don't understand
Why did anything happen///?
It will get better
things always get better
I hate this so much
How will they ever find me?
I'll never hear from them again, will I?
When? Wen? when? wen? When? Wen?
At least do they look? Think? or Care?

what have I missed? How much more?

I can't believe I acutally lived through it all?
Ugh, Whats next?

I hate this so much.
I hate this.
a lot.
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(no subject) [Jul. 19th, 2004|12:51 am]
gawf phunk
wow, fuck this.
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and i cry cry cry things are so sad [Jul. 1st, 2004|10:30 pm]
gawf phunk
[mood |depresseddepressed]

I think I'll sleep because I'm hurting a lot. I'm afraid to be awake for many reasons. Things are much worse than before, so I'm told. If that is the case, then my life is worse off than I had thought. How sad. I suppose I think of my life as a tragic story. It was all so beautiful, nothing else mattered, I was so happy. When you read something that says how undescribably beautiful "it" was, you don't really really really realize what grand emotions are put into those words. For something to be so bold and extrodinary that there are no words to describe it, is amazing to me. That very thought is undescribable in itself. Amazing.

Funny, before I hardly got enough sleep. Now, I might start getting too much. I think that I don't want to be awake for anything anymore, it all hurts too much. Everything.
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