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gawf phunk

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the other alternative [Sep. 20th, 2005|09:33 pm]
gawf phunk
Sometimes I realize that I'm too crazy for myself. Today was one of those days. What am I thinking?! My weirdness shouldn't surprise me should it? Well it did...for a second, then I realized that it had all happenned before. Thinking and thinking and thinking. Some people say i think to much. Maybe I do, but I like the fact that I think, want, worry, wonder, feel. I wouldn't think about you if I didn't care. It's a tremendous compliment when someone tells me they've been thinking about me, or that they worry about me. They care and that makes me happy. I'm having to restrain myself from a major mind dump right now. Oh boy, I don't know what to do. You couldn't possibly understand.
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another conversation [Jun. 29th, 2005|11:28 pm]
gawf phunk
The Sean Said: <3
SoCoDrone: hey. I was just about to say hello
The Sean Said: hi
SoCoDrone: how are you?
The Sean Said: I'm sweet
The Sean Said: you?
SoCoDrone: so so
The Sean Said: :-\
SoCoDrone: I went on a paddle boat today with Catherine & got burnt. That was the best part about my day
The Sean Said: aw
SoCoDrone: we picked up trash from the lake along the way
SoCoDrone: we went to far and had trouble getting back, it was hilarious
The Sean Said: lol
SoCoDrone: unfortunatly, we weren't able to rent this giant swan paddle boat b/c it was too expensive or else we would have been crusin' in style
The Sean Said: lol
SoCoDrone: I think I must of laughed the entire time we were on the lake
The Sean Said: sounds like you had fun though
SoCoDrone: for no reason at all
SoCoDrone: I did
SoCoDrone: but Catherine has no energy and didn't feel like doing much else when we were done
SoCoDrone: so how was your day?
The Sean Said: boring
The Sean Said: didn't do anything
The Sean Said: played video games
SoCoDrone: Are you doing anything special for your birthday?
The Sean Said: not that I know of
SoCoDrone: yours is going to fall on a friday like mine. Just promise me your not going to go to bed at 9:30 like my lame ass.
The Sean Said: I probably will
The Sean Said: :-\
SoCoDrone: I don't believe you.
SoCoDrone: at all.
SoCoDrone: :-)
The Sean Said: :-)
SoCoDrone: so you made me start thinking about school again.
The Sean Said: uh oh
SoCoDrone: With all that has been going on at home, it's been easy for me brush it off
SoCoDrone: and I know I shouldn't
The Sean Said: no you shouldn't
The Sean Said: but at the same time
The Sean Said: you shouldn't worry about it
SoCoDrone: Sometimes when I get my heart set on something, I tend to think it should be my way or nothing at all. Which is stupid b/c I'm only hurting myself.
The Sean Said: you have plenty of time to go to school
SoCoDrone: yes, but that's not how I feel about it
SoCoDrone: if I really think about it, I'm not going here, b/c I'm scared. I'm scared of the areas that I don't do well in that I have to face. I like to be the best at everything & if I think that I'm not going to do well no matter how hard I try then I don't want to have anything to do with it.
The Sean Said: thats just part of life
SoCoDrone: It's weird b/c I don't want anyone to know that I'm weak at something and if no one is looking then it's not worth doing
The Sean Said: :-\
SoCoDrone: I'm just undecided about a lot of things
SoCoDrone: every point with me is equal so it's difficult for me to choose
The Sean Said: :-(
The Sean Said: well
The Sean Said: once I get things going in the AF
The Sean Said: we'll see what we can do to support eachother
SoCoDrone: I feel horrible about telling you all this. I don't want to upset you or anything. And i don't want you to think that I live in constant dispair. I do have my moods, and there is a lot more that I think about that I wish I felt more comfortable telling you.
The Sean Said: no no
The Sean Said: you need someone to be there for you
The Sean Said: someone that support you and what you want to do
SoCoDrone: I should tell you, no your wrong. Only b/c I want to protect myself from being hurt. It is difficult for me to be anything but true with whomever I meet. Over the past year, some ppl have taken advantage of that. I'm scared to tell anyone anything anymore. But yes, it's difficult for me to admit to it, your right with the above statement. Your not suppose to know that about me though.
The Sean Said: well unfortunately for you
The Sean Said: I'm really good at figuring people out
SoCoDrone: you know, I'd like to think that I'm very strong in a lot of things, but there are other areas where I do want that "support". It just seems to me that everyone that I've turned to makes me feel inferior b/c of it
SoCoDrone: so I just don't say anything
The Sean Said: thats silly
The Sean Said: and I've always been there to support you and your feelings
The Sean Said: well
The Sean Said: maybe not so much lately
The Sean Said: but when you needed me
SoCoDrone: yes you have. But with you, I don't know what to expect so I have no expectations so that I won't be disappointed. Which kind of makes me sad, b/c that type of "I don't care" attitude doesn't really fit me. But my experinces over the last year have reminded me like a thorn in my side to adapt to that mentality.
The Sean Said: I can understand that
The Sean Said: but you'll get to a point where that goes away
The Sean Said: hey I'll brb
The Sean Said signed off at 11:15:36 PM.
The Sean Said signed on at 11:26:39 PM.
The Sean Said: <3
SoCoDrone: <3
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(no subject) [Apr. 3rd, 2005|10:53 pm]
gawf phunk
[music |clan of xymox]

I was watching TV and the next moment, out of nowhere, tears swell up in my eyes and thoughts of my death start racing through my head. I remember not too long ago, waking up and feeling terrible b/c I had vivid dreams of my death. I hate it, I don't want to know anything about anything. I always thought that people were suppose to be inspired by death to make the most of their life. Apparently nothing fazes me. Not the fact that I might need another operation or that I get in so many car accidents that my next one could be fatal. I'm tired of people telling me shit all the time like I don't know what I'm talking about. Nevermind....I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
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(no subject) [Mar. 5th, 2005|12:04 pm]
gawf phunk
If you have been wondering what has happenned to me, I have turned into a MySpace junkie. You'll have to find me on there if you want to know the latest.
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what a great idea [Mar. 5th, 2005|12:02 pm]
gawf phunk
I'm trying to get all my Livejournal friends' locations plotted on a map - please add your location starting with this form.
Username:
(Then get your friends to!)
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??????????? [Aug. 16th, 2004|05:35 pm]
gawf phunk
[mood |scaredscared]

I have just come back from the doctor. The news wasn't all bad. My blood pressure was good. I don't know what to do. Should I freak out b/c the uncertainty of living life is more visible than usual? Should I continue with my ignorance just as 80% of the population does? How did this happen? I feel so helpless. I suppose life is random
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NICK WINS THE DAY FOLKS (not my ex) [Aug. 13th, 2004|04:02 am]
gawf phunk
[mood |excitedexcited]

NickLewisATX (2:38:33 AM): Say, why do you want to be a mind reader?
SoCoDrone (2:39:08 AM): aww....don't remind be that I wasn't accepted to wizard school
NickLewisATX (2:39:22 AM): Well, wizard school is very political
NickLewisATX (2:39:44 AM): You have to know a wizard, plus most wizards are republicans
NickLewisATX (2:40:00 AM): Why? I don't know!
NickLewisATX (2:40:15 AM): Nevermind, I know nothing of Wizard's political veiws
NickLewisATX (2:40:36 AM): I try to be a mind reader too, I suppose its because I'm non-confrontational
SoCoDrone (2:41:23 AM): roflmao
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(no subject) [Aug. 11th, 2004|03:01 am]
gawf phunk
I don't believe this guy, wow, I must be dumb as hell.
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Candid --what really happenned yo? [Aug. 10th, 2004|07:21 pm]
gawf phunk
[mood |amusedamused]

ImxAxCreep (6:38:19 PM): Hello?
SoCoDrone (6:38:23 PM): hi
ImxAxCreep (6:38:29 PM): How's it going?
SoCoDrone (6:38:37 PM): fine, u?
ImxAxCreep (6:38:57 PM): I'm okay.
ImxAxCreep (6:39:02 PM): I haven't talked to you in a while.
SoCoDrone (6:39:56 PM): its only been a few days
ImxAxCreep (6:40:07 PM): Since like.. Friday.
SoCoDrone (6:40:40 PM): you asked me how six flags was yesterday or something then went away
ImxAxCreep (6:40:54 PM): Oh.
ImxAxCreep (6:40:55 PM): Yeah.
ImxAxCreep (6:41:10 PM): I had to go to Jen's house and walk the dogs.
ImxAxCreep (6:41:32 PM): Madison's going away party is this weekend. =\
SoCoDrone (6:43:01 PM): oh
SoCoDrone (6:43:11 PM): I'm going to san antonio with shane and cat for the weekend
SoCoDrone (6:43:16 PM): kat rather
ImxAxCreep (6:43:32 PM): Oh.
ImxAxCreep (6:43:33 PM): Okay.
SoCoDrone (6:43:56 PM): there is a hip top party crew meeting at the spiderhouse tonight
ImxAxCreep (6:44:04 PM): Alright.
ImxAxCreep (6:44:07 PM): Is Chris going to be there?
SoCoDrone (6:44:19 PM): I haven't talked to him yet
ImxAxCreep (6:44:26 PM): Well, he kind of hates me.
ImxAxCreep (6:44:34 PM): And he pissed me off pretty hardcore the other day.
SoCoDrone (6:44:37 PM): thats to be expected
ImxAxCreep (6:44:41 PM): I don't know if I want to see him yet.
ImxAxCreep (6:44:45 PM): Expected?
ImxAxCreep (6:45:44 PM): What do you mean?
SoCoDrone (6:46:22 PM): well you kind of fucked up
ImxAxCreep (6:46:56 PM): How?
SoCoDrone (6:49:14 PM): wow, your really dumb
ImxAxCreep (6:49:41 PM): ... Then explain it to me.
SoCoDrone (6:50:15 PM): didn't chris do a good job explaining it to you over the phone
ImxAxCreep (6:50:39 PM): If you mean calling me a terrible, selfish, irresponsible person over and over again, yeah.
SoCoDrone (6:51:23 PM): I wouldn't terrible
SoCoDrone (6:51:27 PM): say
ImxAxCreep (6:51:42 PM): How was I selfish? Or irresposible?
SoCoDrone (6:54:21 PM): you should examine your actions in the past couple of weeks and figure out how you haven't been that way
ImxAxCreep (6:54:41 PM): Weeks?
ImxAxCreep (6:54:58 PM): So this isn't just about Six Flags?
SoCoDrone (6:55:15 PM): ppl have been angry with you about things for a while
ImxAxCreep (6:55:22 PM): Yeah, and NO ONE WILL TELL ME.
ImxAxCreep (6:55:27 PM): So how the fuck am I supposed to know!?
SoCoDrone (6:56:08 PM): it only angers ppl more when you plead ignorance everytime you fuck up
ImxAxCreep (6:56:25 PM): What did I do?
SoCoDrone (6:57:44 PM): so your pleading ignorance again
ImxAxCreep (6:58:32 PM): Okay.
SoCoDrone (6:59:52 PM): look, I really don't care, I'm not mad, I just thought this past weekend was really shady of you
ImxAxCreep (7:00:10 PM): Shady?
ImxAxCreep (7:00:15 PM): My car broke down!
ImxAxCreep (7:00:20 PM): I have to buy new brakes.
ImxAxCreep (7:00:28 PM): I have to buy a new freeze plug.
ImxAxCreep (7:00:33 PM): Not to mention get the AC fixed.
ImxAxCreep (7:00:40 PM): It was out of my control.
SoCoDrone (7:01:13 PM): ok, so what, chris didn't pay madison so that you could get your shit together, he paid him so you guys could go with us, you essentially took the money and ran
SoCoDrone (7:01:29 PM): you should give him the money back if you didn't go
SoCoDrone (7:01:39 PM): I just think its rude
ImxAxCreep (7:03:07 PM): Yeah, the plan was to go to Six Flags. So Madison worked for four hours so he could go. But then, a day later, things go bad. And I can't go. So he doesn't want to leave me here.
ImxAxCreep (7:03:22 PM): But he already made the money.
ImxAxCreep (7:03:27 PM): What is he supposed to do?
SoCoDrone (7:04:35 PM): leave you? $20 for you and the other $20 for him
ImxAxCreep (7:04:47 PM): He worked for it.
ImxAxCreep (7:04:55 PM): It's not his responsibility to pay for my ticket.
ImxAxCreep (7:05:00 PM): I'm sorry we didn't go.
ImxAxCreep (7:05:10 PM): I was having a really shitty weekend anyway.
SoCoDrone (7:05:11 PM): I'm sure hes paid for your dinner b4 and you let him, so whats the difference
SoCoDrone (7:05:30 PM): your weeks always seem to be shitty, that has nothing to do with it
SoCoDrone (7:05:37 PM): I think you just didn't want to fucking go
SoCoDrone (7:05:46 PM): like with 80s night
ImxAxCreep (7:05:52 PM): Yeah, not after my CAR BROKE DOWN.
ImxAxCreep (7:06:08 PM): No, the reason I didn't go to 80s night was because I had this big fucking blister on my heel.
ImxAxCreep (7:06:12 PM): And it hurt to walk.
ImxAxCreep (7:06:26 PM): Because I wore my tennis shoes without socks that day at the pool.
ImxAxCreep (7:06:28 PM): Ask Jen.
SoCoDrone (7:10:04 PM): ok jessi
ImxAxCreep (7:10:45 PM): What? It's the truth.
SoCoDrone (7:12:15 PM): look, some ppl are mad at you, basically the ppl you owe money to, and I'm telling you since you say no one ever does....I'd be surprised if you didn't already know though
ImxAxCreep (7:13:37 PM): Chris.
ImxAxCreep (7:13:43 PM): And the phone bill for Anna.
SoCoDrone (7:13:58 PM): money you owe silla
ImxAxCreep (7:14:02 PM): Silla?
ImxAxCreep (7:14:03 PM): What?
SoCoDrone (7:14:26 PM): jessica and her helped pay your way for the first two months
SoCoDrone (7:14:35 PM): thats what I heard at least
ImxAxCreep (7:14:46 PM): What way?
ImxAxCreep (7:14:48 PM): The rent?
ImxAxCreep (7:15:07 PM): They paid the apartment rent and Kamon and I paid our share of the house rent.
ImxAxCreep (7:15:12 PM): That was their decision.
SoCoDrone (7:15:12 PM): I don't know the details, I'm not envolved,
ImxAxCreep (7:18:36 PM): Alright.
ImxAxCreep (7:18:46 PM): Well, I suppose I'll talk to her about it then.
ImxAxCreep (7:19:06 PM): But according to that rule, if I owe her money, so does Kamon.
SoCoDrone (7:19:59 PM): u know silla, she won't push for it and she forgets and avoids so your probably in the clear for that one, but that doens't make it right
ImxAxCreep (7:20:13 PM): In the clear? Like I'm trying to get away from it?
ImxAxCreep (7:20:42 PM): Nevermind. I
ImxAxCreep (7:20:44 PM): I'm going.
ImxAxCreep (7:20:52 PM): I have a couple of things to do.
ImxAxCreep (7:20:55 PM): I'll talk to you later.
ImxAxCreep signed off at 7:21:13 PM.
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(no subject) [Aug. 10th, 2004|02:00 am]
gawf phunk
[mood |distresseddistressed]
[music |Manitoba]

Ok, so I really want to cry a lot. I hate him, he makes me feel the same way nicholas does. no fucking explaination. $1000 and emotional crap and all he has to say is, 'I don't have anything to say'. What the crap!!! Am I not worth the fucking explaination, not even a damn phone call, all this over the freakin' IM. !!!!!
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